Nugget's Official Guide to Sleeping Well Every Single Night

An 80-pound pit bull shares his methodology. He has never once had a bad night's sleep and he would like you to know that is not an accident.

People ask how I sleep so well. It is a fair question. The answer is systems. I have systems. My mother does not always follow the systems and I think that explains most of her problems. But I am generous with my knowledge and so here is the full protocol, offered freely, for anyone willing to commit to it properly.

Step One: The Meal

It starts with dinner. Not just any dinner — a home cooked meal, prepared with attention and served with appropriate care using a fork or spoon as the situation requires. Kibble from a bag is not dinner. Kibble from a bag is a comment on how someone feels about you and I do not accept it. The meal should be warm, real, and presented in a crockpot insert — the six-quart porcelain kind, heavy, untippable, fully mine at this point — because those are the correct vessels and I will not be elaborating further. If the meal meets standards, we can proceed. If it does not, the rest of the evening will reflect that energy and that is not my fault.

Step Two: The Walk, Then Soccer

After the meal comes the walk. A proper walk — not a quick lap where she is looking at her phone the whole time. A real walk. Followed immediately by no fewer than fifteen minutes of soccer. For those unfamiliar: soccer is when she kicks a ball and I retrieve it and we do this until I decide we are done, which is when I sit on the ball. It is the perfect combination of exercise and power. I recommend it for everyone.

Step Three: The Wind-Down Protocol

Post-soccer: a small snack. Two to three treats, given freely and without negotiation. Fresh water — fresh, not water that has been sitting, not water with anything in it, fresh — in the crockpot insert. A brief bathroom break, escorted. This is non-negotiable. She does not get to stand at the door. She comes with me. That is the agreement and it has always been the agreement.

Step Four: The Five-Minute Bonus Round

After the bathroom break, before bed: five more minutes of soccer. This is not excessive. This is calibration. The first soccer session was for the body. The second is for the mind. It is a form of meditation. I will not explain further.

Step Five: Undivided Attention

Fifteen minutes minimum of her full attention. She sits. I am next to her. She does not look at her phone. She does not start a show. She does not "just check one thing real quick." She sits, she pets me, she tells me I'm a good boy — which I am — and she does not move. Not an inch. This is the nervous system reset portion of the evening and it is the most important step. I take it seriously and she should too.

Step Six: The Actual Sleep

I allow her a brief bathroom break of her own, which I escort her to, and if she attempts to go anywhere that is not directly back to the bed I will whine. Not loudly. Just enough. She knows what it means. We return to bed. I take approximately three-quarters of the available surface. This is correct. She has the remaining quarter and I have found that this is sufficient for her needs. I position my head near hers or on her feet depending on my assessment of what she needs that night. I am asleep within four minutes. She follows shortly after.

That is the full protocol. Six steps. Non-negotiable. On the nights she skips steps — which she does, she is inconsistent, I want that on record — the energy is different and the sleep is worse and she knows it. I am not saying this to assign blame. I am saying it because the data is clear.

Sleep well. Follow the system. Make sure someone makes you a real dinner first. With a fork.